Repent! Signed, Anonymous

They tell the story of the rabbi who finds a slip of paper under his door, with one word on it: Jerk!.

So the rabbi gets up in shul on Shabbos morning and says, “I’ve received letters before where someone wrote a whole message and forgot to sign his name, but this week I had a first: Someone signed his name and forgot to write a letter!”

This never happened to me in my rabbinate, but I always get a kick out of the story - especially when I get the urge, as I still do from time to time, to drop someone in shul an anonymous note.

It’s hard to be a mochiach (rebuker), as I’ve explained somewhere on this blog before, so I’d really rather leave people Post-It notes with references to Shulchan Aruch, or fortune cookie-style slips of paper with pithy suggestions. The concept is tempting, with its promise of non-confrontational improvement… but, boy, would that be a bad idea. Even if I weren’t caught.

First, it’s a bad idea because leaving off your name only means that the recipient will focus on figuring out who wrote the note, not on the contents themselves. You know it’s true; imagine how you would react upon receiving such an annoying message. Who’s thinking that about me? And why doesn’t he have the guts to say it to my face? Maybe it’s Yochanan. Or Shmuel. Or Yehudis - yes, it has to be her, I see the dirty looks she gives me at kiddush. And then you get the revenge plans: I’ll show her! I’ll do… etc.

But second, it’s a bad idea because that’s not how mussar (rebuke) works. Most of us don’t learn from information; we learn from relationships, from people about whom we care and who care about us. Straight information is hard to internalize unless one is predisposed toward it, as in the case of a person who learns mussar regularly. As a general rule, we learn better from people who we know respect and care for us. Take the mochiach's face out of the picture and it won’t work at all. (For a great example, see Yisro’s approach to Moshe in this week’s parshah.)

And then third, my Rebbitzen (cue the angels with the trumpets! rays of light break over the horizon to herald the words of the great tzaddekes) points out the rebuker needs to face the rebukee face-to-face, so that he’ll be forced to think about the best way to present his message. If he has to do this directly, he might actually think twice and three times about whether to present the message at all.

So the anonymous notes don’t go out. Instead, I have to sit down and think through how to say, what to say and when to say. More work…

The challenge of instructing others

[A new, excellent edition of Haveil Havalim is here]

One of the most difficult aspects of the rabbinate is the need - job requirement, really - to correct communal or private behavior. Talking in shul, kashrut standards at home, commitment to minyan and to learning Torah, education of children, lashon hara, support for Israel, Jew/non-Jew relations... synagogue rabbis are expected to provide leadership which includes not only modeling, but also instruction, in these areas and more. It's tough.

This past Shabbos I delivered one shiur on the topic [tried to cram in way too much material to the time; I hope people got something out of it], and then I delivered another, related shiur on it this morning. Still working through the ideas in my own head.

As I asked at the Shabbos class: How do you instruct people who don't want to be instructed? What do you do when someone at your Shabbos table mentions his latest way to make money - and it involves fraud? Or when he makes a racist comment, or speaks lashon hara?

Here are three basic sources related to the topic:

Talmud, Erchin 16b

תניא, א"ר טרפון: תמה אני אם יש בדור הזה שמקבל תוכחה, אם אמר לו טול קיסם מבין עיניך, אמר לו טול קורה מבין עיניך. אמר רבי אלעזר בן עזריה: תמיהני אם יש בדור הזה שיודע להוכיח…

Rabbi Tarfon said: I would be stunned if anyone in this generation would accept rebuke. If one would say, ‘Take a splinter from between your eyes,’ he would reply, ‘Take a beam from between your eyes.’
Rabbi Elazar ben Azaryah said: I would be stunned if anyone in this generation actually would know how to rebuke.

Talmud, Yevamot 65b

ואמר רבי אילעא משום ר' אלעזר בר' שמעון: כשם שמצוה על אדם לומר דבר הנשמע, כך מצוה על אדם שלא לומר דבר שאינו נשמע. רבי אבא אומר: חובה, שנאמר: +משלי ט'+ אל תוכח לץ פן ישנאך הוכח לחכם ויאהבך.

And R’ Ila’a said, citing R’ Elazar b’R’ Shimon: Just as there is a mitzvah to say that which will be heard, so there is a mitzvah to avoid saying that which will not be heard. Rabbi Abba said: It is obligatory, as it is written, ‘Do not rebuke a scorner, lest he hate you. Rebuke a wise man and he will love you.’

Talmud, Shabbat 55a

מעולם לא יצתה מדה טובה מפי הקדוש ברוך הוא וחזר בה לרעה חוץ מדבר זה, דכתיב +יחזקאל ט+ ויאמר ה' אליו עבר בתוך העיר בתוך ירושלים והתוית תו על מצחות האנשים הנאנחים והנאנקים על כל התועבות הנעשות בתוכה וגו'. אמר לו הקדוש ברוך הוא לגבריאל: לך ורשום על מצחן של צדיקים תיו של דיו, שלא ישלטו בהם מלאכי חבלה. ועל מצחם של רשעים תיו של דם, כדי שישלטו בהן מלאכי חבלה. אמרה מדת הדין לפני הקדוש ברוך הוא: רבונו של עולם, מה נשתנו אלו מאלו? אמר לה: הללו צדיקים גמורים, והללו רשעים גמורים. אמרה לפניו: רבונו של עולם, היה בידם למחות ולא מיחו! אמר לה: גלוי וידוע לפני, שאם מיחו בהם - לא יקבלו מהם. אמרה לפניו: רבונו של עולם, אם לפניך גלוי - להם מי גלוי?

Gd never expressed a good verdict and then retracted it to cause harm, other than in this case: “Gd said to him, pass through the city, through Yerushalayim, and draw a ‘Tav’ on the foreheads of the people…for all of the abominable acts performed in it.”
Gd said to Gavriel: Go inscribe a ‘Tav’ in ink on the heads of the righteous, so that the angels of destruction will not have any effect on them. Inscribe a ‘Tav’ in blood on the heads of the wicked, so that the angels of destruction will have an effect on them.
The trait of Justice said before Gd: Master of the Universe, what is the difference between these and those?
Gd responded: These are completely righteous, those are completely wicked!
It said: Master of the Universe, they ought to have protested, and they did not do so!
Gd responded: I know clearly that had they protested, the people would not have accepted it from them.
It said: Master of the Universe, if to You it is clear, to them is it clear?

So which is it - are we entitled to say, "They won't listen," or not?