Six years ago, and now

In my previous post, I re-posted a letter sent by an anonymous man to The Jewish Press six years ago, on his homosexuality and the responses of the Orthodox community to homosexuality.

In my brief comment, I noted that I responded to this letter on a website six years ago, and that my own response might have changed over the past six years.

My response from six years ago included the following:
A few thoughts on the question of how Gd could test a person with this kind of practically impossible challenge:

1. The letter is remarkable and articulate, and I admire the writer. That said, and in no way to take anything away from him, one should not make the mistake of thinking its writer is unique. There are many in this situation who, like the writer, have not abandoned faith and who are working hour by hour, day by day, to manage a most difficult situation.

2. The writer says it is cruel to claim that change might one day be possible. I am not a JONAH fan, but I am in the camp that believes that homosexuality is a spectrum; even if change is not possible for that writer, this doesn't mean that change is impossible for all people with homosexual impulses.

3. The word "fair" is not relevant when describing a world which is designed to test us. Bereishis teaches us at the outset that life is meant to be filled with hard-to-impossible challenges; why else does G-d put the tree smack in the middle of the garden, point to it and say, 'Don't eat from this?' If you don't want them to eat then don't make the tree, or don't put it in the garden, or don't put it in the middle, or don't make it attractive, or don't allow the serpent to cold-call Chavah... Clearly, we are being taught a lesson: This world is filled with tests, and they aren't going to be balanced or straightforward.

4. Some things that happen to us are reward. Some things that happen to us are punishment. And some things that happen to us are neither; they are circumstances G-d has created for one reason or another... This is why it is rank foolishness to try to read events as reward or punishment; quite often, it's simply neither...

5. Rav Tzaddok haKohen of Lublin commented in Tzidkas haTzaddik that one may indeed be faced with a test one cannot pass - but that since we don't know whether that's true of any specific test, we have to view all of our challenges as surmountable.

Six years later, I believe the same theology, but I don't find the theological question as interesting anymore. Had the letter appeared today, I would have felt less compelled to respond to the question of people's suffering and Divine tests.

Maybe that's because I'm older. Maybe it's because I'm not in the pulpit anymore. I don't know - but these days I find myself much less interested in the question of why Gd created this world, and much more interested in the question of what we can do with it.

A letter to the Jewish Press, six years later

In December 2006, I saw a letter posted on the Jewish Press website, in a column, "Chronicles of Crises in our Community".

The letter has come back to my mind lately; I blogged about it at the time [on a site that no longer exists], but I wonder whether I would respond the same way six years later. I also wonder where the letter-writer is now.

For those who did not see the letter in 2006, or who also might benefit from re-reading it, here it is:

Dear Rachel,

As a man who has struggled with homosexuality and frumkeit for many years, I take exception to your consistent championing of change being possible and of asserting that there is no such thing as gay. I’d like to offer another perspective.

Let me start by saying that I believe fully in Torah M’Sinai and consider myself to be a fully committed Orthodox Jew whose tafkid in life is to do my best to keep ALL of the Taryag Mitzvot. I am fully versed in both Halachah and Hashkafah and have no issues whatsoever with the philosophical underpinnings of our belief system. I truly believe that every word of the Chamisha Chumshai Torah was given directly from Hashem to Moshe, and that along with those words, Moshe received Torah SheBa’aL Peh.

The prohibition of Mishkav Zachar comes from the same Hashem that told me to keep Shabbos, to keep Kosher and to fast on Yom Kippur, and I will do my best to keep this mitzvah as I try to do the others.

What I do not fathom is how the prohibition of a very specific behavior translates into Hashem not making people whose sexual orientation is homosexual.

From a hashkafik perspective: The mitzvot revolving around Arayot in the Torah address one thing and one thing only − behavior. There is no discussion of desire, of motivation, of what’s normal desire and deviant desire. Even if one translates ‘To’avah’ in the pasuk of Mishkav Zachar as ‘abomination’ – which is by no means a definitive definition based on Chazal − it still refers to the action, not the desire.

Your writers say that Hashem wouldn’t or couldn’t give an orientation to a person and then prohibit him from acting on it. They say that a person’s desire must be able to change if the Torah prohibits an action. In my opinion, this is putting a very Pollyannaish spin on the very nature of nisayon in Olam Ha’Zeh. The fact is that many times Hashem puts people in adverse circumstances that will not change.

I would argue that in those circumstances the definition of success with the nisayon is first accepting the circumstances and then living as rich a life as possible within those circumstances. Would you, for example, tell a person with medically incurable deafness not to accept that diagnosis? That Hashem would not do that to him because there are so many mitzvot, such as shofar, that involve hearing? That his focus in life should center on searching for a cure? Could you imagine a crueler and less productive way to deal with this most challenging nisayon?

My own struggle with homosexuality has come at enormous cost for me. I ruined a marriage and a successful career. Though I’ve been to the best “SSA therapists” (and thereby gained many positive things), one thing that did not change is my basic desire.

Some may say I didn’t try hard enough. Firstly, ‘Don’t Judge Your Friend Until You Stand In His Place.’ Furthermore, which believer in Torah M’Sinai would not want to ‘change’? Certainly one who lost as much as I did would have more than enough motivation.

But all the motivation in the world has not changed reality for me. When I think of the enormous pain men like me go through, I wish that the hope of change could be there. But I also know that at this point I’d rather face reality than embrace false hope.

And I think of the enormous pain of the women who marry these men. Even in cases where the men are up front with their wives – as I wasn’t, and where they control their behavior – as I didn’t, there is an inherent cruelty in a marriage that lacks the central glue of desire, as I learned first hand. A cruelty that NO woman should be exposed to, and a cruelty that no young woman – particularly a sheltered Bais Yaakov girl – can possibly understand until it is too late. There is no way before marriage that a frum woman can truly fathom what her husband’s lack of desire for her will be like. It is the inherent desire of EVERY woman to be desired by her husband, and I don’t think any Bas Yisrael should be exposed to the risk of encountering rejection.

Believe me I understand fully how much any frum man with homosexual desires wants the hope of a “normal frum life” with a wife and children. And I understand first hand the enormous pain of having to accept that sometimes Hashem says no. But I would rather live my life honest with myself and the situation Hashem placed me in than risk building another world of lies – and devastating another woman.

I don’t know if you will publish this – especially because I’ve essentially advocated a life of loneliness and celibacy for men with homosexual tendencies. At the same time I want to make it clear that I am not advocating an acceptance of a gay lifestyle on any level by the frum community, nor suggesting any “wiggle room” when it comes to a lav in the Torah.

[Signed]
I did not choose to be what I am

Halachic Sources for the Statement of Principles on Jews with a Homosexual Orientation

At the risk of becoming typecast as "the blogger who won't stop talking about the Statement of Principles," I post here something I put together just now, on that Statement.

Someone pointed out to me that the drafters of that Statement never included any Torah sources to support their document. I agree that this was a mistake on their part, and so I took a few minutes on Friday to assemble some material they could have included. That material is below, as footnotes to the original document.

Please note that I was not a drafter of that Statement, and I do not speak for them. [I did sign, but my own concerns with the document appear here.]

Statement of Principles on the Place of Jews with a Homosexual Orientation in Our Community

We, the undersigned Orthodox rabbis, rashei yeshiva, ramim, Jewish educators and communal leaders affirm the following principles with regard to the place of Jews with a homosexual orientation in our community:

1. All human beings are created in the image of God[1] and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect (kevod haberiyot).[2] Every Jew is obligated to fulfill the entire range of mitzvot between person and person in relation to persons who are homosexual or have feelings of same sex attraction. Embarrassing, harassing or demeaning someone with a homosexual orientation or same-sex attraction is a violation of Torah prohibitions that embody the deepest values of Judaism.[3]

2. The question of whether sexual orientation is primarily genetic, or rather environmentally generated, is irrelevant to our obligation to treat human beings with same-sex attractions and orientations with dignity and respect. [4]

3. Halakhah sees heterosexual marriage as the ideal model and sole legitimate outlet for human sexual expression.[5] The sensitivity and understanding we properly express for human beings with other sexual orientations does not diminish our commitment to that principle.[6]

4. Halakhic Judaism views all male and female same-sex sexual interactions as prohibited.[7] The question of whether sexual orientation is primarily genetic, or rather environmentally generated, is irrelevant to this prohibition.[8] While halakha categorizes various homosexual acts with different degrees of severity and opprobrium, including toeivah, this does not in any way imply that lesser acts are permitted. But it is critical to emphasize that halakha only prohibits homosexual acts; it does not prohibit orientation or feelings of same-sex attraction, and nothing in the Torah devalues the human beings who struggle with them.[9] (We do not here address the issue of hirhurei aveirah, a halakhic category that goes beyond mere feelings and applies to all forms of sexuality and requires precise halakhic definition.)

5. Whatever the origin or cause of homosexual orientation, many individuals believe that for most people this orientation cannot be changed. Others believe that for most people it is a matter of free will. Similarly, while some mental health professionals and rabbis in the community strongly believe in the efficacy of “change therapies”, most of the mental health community, many rabbis, and most people with a homosexual orientation feel that some of these therapies are either ineffective or potentially damaging psychologically for many patients.[10]

We affirm the religious right of those with a homosexual orientation to reject therapeutic approaches they reasonably see as useless or dangerous. [11]

6. Jews with a homosexual orientation who live in the Orthodox community confront serious emotional, communal and psychological challenges that cause them and their families great pain and suffering. For example, homosexual orientation may greatly increase the risk of suicide among teenagers in our community.[12] Rabbis and communities need to be sensitive and empathetic to that reality.[13] Rabbis and mental health professionals must provide responsible and ethical assistance to congregants and clients dealing with those human challenges.

7. Jews struggling to live their lives in accordance with halakhic values need and deserve our support. Accordingly, we believe that the decision as to whether to be open about one's sexual orientation should be left to such individuals, who should consider their own needs and those of the community. We are opposed on ethical and moral grounds to both the “outing” of individuals who want to remain private[14] and to coercing those who desire to be open about their orientation to keep it hidden.[15]

8. Accordingly, Jews with homosexual orientations or same sex-attractions[16] should be welcomed as full members of the synagogue and school community. As appropriate with regard to gender and lineage, they should participate and count ritually, be eligible for ritual synagogue honors, and generally be treated in the same fashion and under the same halakhic and hashkafic framework as any other member of the synagogue they join. Conversely, they must accept and fulfill all the responsibilities of such membership, including those generated by communal norms or broad Jewish principles that go beyond formal halakha.

We do not here address what synagogues should do about accepting members who are openly practicing homosexuals and/or living with a same-sex partner. Each synagogue together with its rabbi must establish its own standard with
regard to membership for open violators of halakha. Those standards should be applied fairly and objectively.

9. Halakha articulates very exacting criteria and standards of eligibility for particular religious offices, such as officially appointed cantor during the year or baal tefillah on the High Holidays.[17] Among the most important of those criteria is that the entire congregation must be fully comfortable with having that person serve as its representative. This legitimately prevents even the most admirable individuals, who are otherwise perfectly fit halakhically, from serving in those roles. It is the responsibility of the lay and rabbinic leadership in each individual community to determine eligibility for those offices in line with those principles, the importance of maintaining communal harmony, and the unique context of its community culture.

10. Jews with a homosexual orientation or same sex attraction, even if they engage in same sex interactions, should be encouraged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability. All Jews are challenged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability, and the attitude of “all or nothing” was not the traditional approach adopted by the majority of halakhic thinkers and poskim throughout the ages.[18]

11. Halakhic Judaism cannot give its blessing and imprimatur to Jewish religious same-sex commitment ceremonies and weddings, and halakhic values proscribe individuals and communities from encouraging practices that grant religious legitimacy to gay marriage and couplehood.[19] But communities should display sensitivity, acceptance and full embrace of the adopted or biological children of homosexually active Jews in the synagogue and school setting,[20] and we encourage parents and family of homosexually partnered Jews to make every effort to maintain harmonious family relations and connections.

12. Jews who have an exclusively homosexual orientation should, under most circumstances, not be encouraged to marry someone of the other gender, as this can lead to great tragedy, unrequited love, shame, dishonesty and ruined
lives.[21] They should be directed to contribute to Jewish and general society in other meaningful ways. Any such person who is planning to marry someone of the opposite gender is halakhically and ethically required to fully inform his or her potential spouse of their sexual orientation. [22]

We hope and pray that by sharing these thoughts we will help the Orthodox community to fully live out its commitment to the principles and values of Torah and Halakha as practiced and cherished by the children of Abraham, who our sages teach us are recognized by the qualities of being rahamanim (merciful), bayshanim (modest), and gomelei hasadim
engaging in acts of loving-kindness).

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[1] Bereishit 1:27. Note Rashi’s alternative translation, which does not reduce the essential force of the sentence.

[2] The principle of kvod habriyyos appears throughout halachah, with a simple example in Berachos 19b. Ramban in haEmunah v’haBitachon Perek 19 explicitly links it to tzelem Elokim, in a unique way.

[3] See, for example, Rambam Lo Taaseh 251. So far as I am aware, there is no basis for distinguishing between Jews who desire to sin and Jews who do not desire to sin, in this regard. Just the opposite, Rashi to Yoma 29a הרהורי indicates that we should feel greater sympathy for someone who has a desire to sin in sexual matters, for this weakens his body.

[4] See note 3. Also, see Succah 52a-b, which points out the involuntary nature of the Yetzer haRa, in general.

[5] See Vayyikra 18:22-23, for example.

[6] See, for example, the conduct of Aharon haKohen toward sinners, as recorded in Avos d’Rabbi Nasan 1:12. Surely no one would suspect that Aharon was legitimizing the sinner’s transgressions.

[7] See footnote 5 re: male relations, and Sifra to Acharei Mot 9 for a fuller presentation.

[8] Desire for sin does not remove the prohibition; see Sanhedrin 75a, for example.

[9] As evidenced in the praise of Yosef haTzaddik on Sotah 36b, for the fact that he avoided sin despite great temptation.

[10] See, for example, Reparative Therapy: The Adolescent, the Psych Nurse, and the Issues, Journal of Child & Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing, February 1, 2010

[11] Treatments which are viewed medically as dangerous are clearly prohibited under Devarim 4:15. The issue of treatments viewed as useless is more complex, but as a general rule a רפואה שאינה בדוקה carries little halachic weight; see, for example, Yabia Omer 8:Orach Chaim 37. See also Chazon Ish Emunah uBitachon 2:6, in which he condemns hishtadlus through avenues with little chance of success.

[12] See, for example, Homosexuality as a risk factor for depression and suicidality among men. Facts and ignorance of facts. European Psychiatry; Jan2010 Supplement 1, Vol. 25, p136

[13] See, for example, Rav Y. D. Soloveitchik’s citation of Rav Chaim Brisker: “However, the main role of the rabbi is to help the needy, protect the persecuted, defend the widows, and sustain orphans. In a word, it is acts of loving-kindness [gemilat hasadim].” (The World of Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, 193)

[14] Regarding people who desire to sin and do not sin, and who wish not to be “outed” for those desires, their protection should be obvious. However, such protection even applies to people who have transgressed; see Bava Metzia 59a. Where there is a significant practical reason to disclose their status, the justification of תועלת would likely mandate such reporting.

[15] Choosing to be public with one’s desires is complex, as it involves the possibility of drawing others into sin; see, for example, Rama Even ha’Ezer 21:5 against public displays of permissible affection, lest that arouse others. Choosing to reveal one’s actual sins is still more complex; see conflicting statements in Berachot 34b and Yoma 86b and Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Teshuvah 2:5, for starters.

[16] Note the emphasis on those experiencing attractions, not those who have sinned. Regarding those who have actually sinned, see Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim 55:11 and nosei kelim there.

[17] See Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim 53.

[18] See, for example, Rambam’s Iggeret Teiman (Boaz Cohen translation): Let no man conclude that he may freely disregard the less important ceremonies without liability to penalty because he has committed under duress some major sins.

[19] See, for example, the Sifra cited in footnote 7 above.

[20] See Pischei Teshuvah Yoreh Deah 268:10, citing Rashbash, on the importance of accepting even the children of mumarim, much less the children being raised by people who believe in Torah. Further, see Minchas Yitzchak 3:98, Mishpitei Uziel 2: Yoreh Deah 62, Pizkei Uziel 65 and Yachel Yisrael 2 in favor of enrolling the children of Jewish mothers and non-Jewish fathers in Jewish schoools. See also Sridei Eish 2:57, who even favors enrolling of children of Jewish fathers and non-Jewish mothers, pending a possible future conversion. See also Igros Moshe Orach Chaim 2:73, which is more ambiguous.

[21] See, for example, Husbands who Love Men, Dr. Eileen Atwood

[22] This would seem to apply where the husband is incapable of conceiving a child with his wife, based upon Kesuvos 77a.