Showing posts with label Judaism: Bein adam lachaveiro (dealing with other people). Show all posts
Showing posts with label Judaism: Bein adam lachaveiro (dealing with other people). Show all posts

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Blaming people for their suffering

[This week's Haveil Havalim is here]

In preparing a shiur for this coming Sunday, I came across this striking comment from Rav Shlomo Kluger, grandson of the more famous Rav Shlomo Kluger of Brody. It was included in a eulogy he gave for his father, just months after his mother had died as well. I think we have a lot to learn from it, particularly those of us who are apt to find reasons to explain why disasters happen:

When a person suffers tragedy which only afflicts him and his flesh, then anyone who has awe of Gd within him… is obligated to accept the Divine verdict as just and to bless for the bad as he does for the good. This is the path of a person who walks righteously, to suffer all ailments that come upon him with a calm spirit…

But if harm comes upon a person and upon others… then that person, who may even suffer more than others, may not calm himself and avoid feeling the pain of others… saying that he accepts it upon himself with love. This is a repugnant trait and an ugly path; one may not accept with love the ailment, pain and trouble of others! One who does so is subject to the curse of our sages, "When Israel is in pain and one of them separates from the community, two ministering angels place their hands on his head and say, 'So-and-so who separated from the community shall not see the comfort of the community.'"


It is as they said regarding Kfar Sakhnia… Once the Sages themselves testified that these people were fully righteous, how could they not have mourned for Jerusalem?! But this is what we have said: They, like all of Israel, felt the great, overarching damage from the destruction of the place of the house of our Gd, but because they were righteous they rallied themselves and restrained the storm in their spirit, they overcame their sorrow, and they accepted it all with love. This is why they were punished – for the pain and mourning of others, they ought to have torn the seal of their heart, to have mourned and poured forth tears!


אמנם כל זה יתכן באם יקרה לו לאדם פרטי אסון הנוגע רק אל עצמו ובשרו אז כל אשר יראת ה׳ נוססה בקרבו... מחויב להצדיק עליו את הדין ולברך על הרעה כמו על הטובה כי זה דרך כל איש ישר הולך לסבול במנוחת נפש כל התלאות הבאות עליו... אכן שוד ושבר אם יקרו ויאתיו על איש ועל בני אדם יחד... אז אין להאיש ההוא אף כי פגעי הזמן נחתו בו יתר מבזולתו להרגיע את רוחו לבל יצר לו בצרת אחרים... באמרו כי מקבל הוא על עצמו באהבה, זאת היא מדה מגונה ודרך מכוערה דאין לקבל באהבה מכאוב, צער וצרת אחרים, והעושה ככה חולה על ראשו קללת חכמנו ז״ל, "ת״ר בזמן שישראל שרויין בצער ופירש אחד מהם באים שני מלאכי השרת ומניחים ידיהם על ראשו, 'פלוני זה שפירש מן הצבור אל יראה בנחמת הצבור" וכמו שפי׳ מאמרם ז״ל באנשי כפר סכניא... אחרי שחכמינו ז״ל בעצמם מעידים עליהם שהיו צדיקים גמורים איך יתכן להיות שלא יתאבלו על ירושלים?! אך היא הדבר שדברנו דגם המה ככל בית ישראל הרגישו גודל השבר הכללי מחורבן מקום בית אלקינו רק מאחר דהיו צדיקים התאמצו לעצור ברוחם הסער והבליגו על יגונם וקבלו הכל באהבה ולכן נענשו דעל צער ואבל אחרים הי׳ להם לקרוע סגור לבם להתאבל ולשפוך כמים דמעות שליש

You can find the original here.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Jewish Email Etiquette: Say Hello!

On Wednesday I'm leading a Business Ethics Lunch and Learn on Jewish Internet Etiquette. We'll be talking about reading others' emails and e-mailing into a time zone where Shabbos has arrived, and we'll have a lighter piece on politeness in emails. (I wanted to include a portion on paying Internet sales tax, but I have since discovered that this is not the problem in Canada that it is in the US.)

[The audio from the shiur is now on-line here; we did not reach the politeness piece until nearly the end, unfortunately, and I had to rush it.]

Here is the portion of the source sheet dealing with the politeness segment; you can see where I'm going:

Talmud, Shabbat 89a
ואמר רבי יהושע בן לוי בשעה שעלה משה למרום מצאו להקדוש ברוך הוא שהיה קושר כתרים לאותיות אמר לו משה אין שלום בעירך אמר לפניו כלום יש עבד שנותן שלום לרבו
R’ Yehoshua ben Levi said: When Moshe ascended to Heaven, he found Gd tying crowns atop letters. Gd said, “Moshe! Is there no ‘Shalom’ in your city?” Moshe replied: “Is there a slave who offers ‘Shalom’ to his master?”

Mishnah, Avot 4:16
רבי מתיא בן חרש אומר הוי מקדים בשלום כל אדם
R’ Matya ben Charash said: Greet everyone with ‘Shalom’ first.

R’ Yehudah Loew, Maharal to Avot 4:16
ואף לרשע יקדים שלום, שאם לא יקדים לו שלום הרי הרשע אינו מחזיק עצמו רשע, ואם לא יקדים לו שלום יחשוב הרשע שהוא מבזה הבריות
One should even greet a wicked person with ‘Shalom’ first, for otherwise the wicked person – who does not consider himself wicked – will think that he degrades Gd’s creations.

Talmud, Gittin 62a
רב חסדא מקדים ויהיב להו שלמא רב כהנא א"ל שלמא למר
Rav Chisda made certain to greet non-Jews first. Rav Kahana said to them, “Peace to you, sir.”

Midrash, Mechilta d’R’ Yishmael Yitro 1
וישתחו וישק לו. איני יודע, מי השתחוה למי, או מי נשק למי, כשהוא אומר: וישאלו איש לרעהו לשלום, מי קרוי איש, הלא משה, שנא' +במדבר יב ג+ והאיש משה עניו מאד, הוי אומר, לא השתחוה ולא נשק אלא משה לחמיו, מכאן אמרו שיהא האדם מוכן לכבוד חמיו
‘And he bowed and kissed him.’ I can’t tell who bowed to whom or who kissed whom, but then it says, ‘The ish asked after the other’s peace,’ and Moshe is the one called ish… So Moshe was the one who bowed and kissed his father-in-law, teaching one should always be prepared to honor his father-in-law.

Talmud, Berachot 6b
ואמר רבי חלבו אמר רב הונא כל שיודע בחברו שהוא רגיל ליתן לו שלום יקדים לו שלום שנאמר +תהלים ל"ד+ בקש שלום ורדפהו ואם נתן לו ולא החזיר נקרא גזלן
If one knows that another person regularly greets him, he should greet that person first, as it is written, ‘Seek peace and pursue it.’ And if the other greets him and he does not reply, he is labelled a thief.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Scottie Pippen, Jari Kurri and the Jews (Derashah: Ki Tetze 5770)

I'll be delivering the derashah in a shul this Shabbos, so here's a preview:

The Dubna Magid tells of a thief who encountered a wagon driver, whacked the driver over the head and took off down the road with his horses. After a few days of pursuit the driver eventually catches up with the thief - who turns to him and says, “Well, it’s about time; I’ve been exercising your horses for three days! My fee is $500.”

We don’t really reward the thief’s unintended “service” – but we do reward unintended tzedakah; Rabbi Elazar ben Azaryah said as much in commenting on the mitzvah of שכחה.

In שכחה, a harvester who forgets stalks of grain gets credit for accidental tzedakah. Rabbi Elazar ben Azaryah took that further in a Sifri, saying (ה)מאבד סלע מתוך ידו ומצאה עני והלך ונתפרנס בה מעלה עליו הכתוב כאלו זכה – If I lose a coin and a pauper finds it and uses it, I get credit as though I had given tzedakah.

Rabbi Elazar ben Azaryah’s central point is about the nature of tzedakah, but his observation also highlights another important issue: The role of the tzedakah recipient, without whom this act of tzedakah does not exist.

At the moment when our gentleman dropped his coin, he was a schlemiel. But then the עני picked up the coin – and now, instant philanthropist! Or to borrow from quantum physics, the owner of the coin is in an unresolved state when he drops the coin, until either that coin rolls into a sewer drain unnoticed and so he’s a schlemiel, or a pauper takes the coin and thereby resolves him into a baal tzedakah.

Bottom line: The עני/pauper completes the donor’s mitzvah. Indeed, some suggest that this is why we don’t recite a berachah upon the mitzvah of giving tzedakah – because there must also be a recipient, and we cannot thank HaShem for creating a needy person. Without a needy person, the mitzvah cannot happen; it’s a joint effort.

Viewing a mitzvah as a joint effort is part of a larger halachic and philosophical picture which portrays all Jews as interlocking puzzle pieces, individual spirits that are part of a greater soul, nanomachines whose cooperative contributions create collective success in the mission of fulfilling Torah. It’s the way we view community, and Jewish community in particular. We are not independent pieces; Rambam calls the person who performs mitzvos on his own a פורש מן הציבור. We interconnect, and we contribute to each other’s righteousness, knowingly and unknowingly, in order to bring the greater mission to fruition.

This interconnectedness mandates the Torah’s overarching לפני עור prohibition; ולפני עור לא תתן מכשול, I am not allowed to do anything which will cause others to stumble in sin. My responsibility is not only to my own righteousness, but also to burnish the righteousness of others around me until it shines.

And this interconnectedness mandates the concept of כל ישראל ערבין זה בזה, of mutual mitzvah responsibility. I can fulfill mitzvos on behalf of others, such as by reciting kiddush for them, and Rav Soloveitchik explained that this is because my mitzvah of kiddush is incomplete so long as someone else has yet to fulfill his mitzvah. We all interlock.

Within this greater interconnectedness, I am not only capable of turning others into tzaddikim, but Halachah demands that I turn others into tzaddikim. An עני doesn’t only have the option of picking up the coin and so turning a schlemiel into a philanthropist – he is actually obligated to do so.

This interconnectedness has daily practical applications:
• A Yom Tov meal that shared with others fulfills the Torah’s mandate of inviting others to join our celebration.
• A kohen serves as a kohen only if people come to him to bring a korban on their behalf.
• When we daven with a community, it’s תפילה בציבור only when people are participating. The Shulchan Aruch writes regarding the repetition of Shemoneh Esreih that people’s responses of Amen are what make the chazzan’s berachos valid.
• Or think about lashon hara; when I refuse to listen to the latest scandal du jour, I save the other person from a significant עבירה.
• Or look at talmud torah – When I listen to the rebbe, I convert him into a מגיד שיעור, enabling him to fulfill the great mitzvah of teaching Torah.

This is why we create kehillos, shuls, batei midrash and chavrusos, gemachs and chevros kadisha ר"ל, vaadim and so on – because we need others in order to make our mitzvos complete, and because we are obligated to do the same on their behalf. All of us, multiple times each day, have opportunities to play the role of the עני, helping others to go from schlemiels to tzaddikim by cooperating in their mitzvos.

I know Canadians don’t pay much attention to basketball, but in this mission we are like Scottie Pippen, who was admitted to the Basketball Hall of Fame last week.
Scottie Pippen made his career as second fiddle to Michael Jordan, winning six championships with him. Pippen was a great player in his own right, one of the greatest defensive players ever and a fantastic shooter, even named recently as one of the Top 50 basketball players of all time – but his claim to fame is as the man who made someone else shine.

For hockey fans, think of what Jari Kurri did for Wayne Gretzky.

Being Scottie Pippen or Jari Kurri is what Rabbi Elazar ben Azaryah’s tzedakah recipient does for the accidental בעל צדקה, it’s what we do when we answer Amen or listen to a shiur or decline to hear לשון הרע - we assist others in their mitzvos, we help them shine, and so we make the greater, interconnected whole a success.

-
Notes:

1. The Dubna Magid's story, in its original form (which I have altered somewhat), appears in Mishlei Yaakov to Ki Tetze, on Bilam's attempt to gain credit for blessing the Jews. Bilam does not get credit, since he intended to harm us.

2. Rabbi Elazar ben Azaryah's comment is in Sifri Ki Tetze 73; note that Rashi to Devarim 24:19 uses a slightly altered version. Also, I saw one writer who sought to read the Sifri's כאלו as though this was not wholly considered tzedakah, but I do not believe this read is correct.

4. On the issue of intent in tzedakah, note that we look at tzedakah not as Latin caritas, an act of charitable love for the needy, and not as Arabic zakat, an act of intentional sacrifice, but as tzedek, a natural transfer of HaShem’s wealth to those who deserve it. As Pirkei Avos says, תן לו משלו שאתה ושלך שלו, all that we distribute really belongs to HaShem. So I don’t need to give it lovingly, willingly, or even knowingly; tzedakah is tzedakah, regardless.

5. On the role of the pauper in enabling tzedakah, see also R’ Akiva’s reply to Turnus Rufus regarding tzedakah and בנים אתם, in Bava Basra 10a.

6. The importance of an Amen in making a chazan's berachah legitimate is in Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim 124:4.

7. Part of an alternative ending I considered for this derashah: The concept of turning others into tzaddikim is an unusual application of what Rav Chaim of Volozhin described as the purpose of our very existence. As Rav Chaim’s son, Rav Yitzchak, described his father’s counsel: וכה היה דברו אלי תמיד שזה כל האדם. לא לעצמו נברא רק להועיל לאחריני ככל אשר ימצא בכחו לעשות – “These were his constant words to me: This is the entire person. One is not created for himself, but to benefit others with the full extent of his powers.” Certainly, the normal way to fulfill Rav Chaim Volozhiner’s advice is to offer chesed, to give tzedakah, but there are a myriad ways in which we interlock, and in which we can be מועיל לאחריני, we can turn the people around us into tzaddikim.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Hand-to-Mouth: Honor, Trust or Something Else?

When I was in Kerem b’Yavneh, I had a Yemenite friend who would shake hands and then, after releasing your hand, raise his own hand to his mouth and kiss it.

I never asked after the meaning of the gesture (does anyone know where I can find Tomer Isaac these days?), but I assumed it was a display of honor: “I recognize that you are sacred, a pure soul, created in the image designated by Gd, a living, breathing sefer torah, and so I kiss my hand after touching you.” I was impressed; I felt this showed great respect to the other party. I began to incorporate the hand-to-mouth into my own behavior, and it became second nature.

Eventually I entered the rabbinate, and realized I needed to subdue the trait somewhat; it sort of weirded people out, this bearded rabbi putting his hand to his mouth, especially when I was among people who didn’t know me. Then the whole hand-kissing thing became doubly problematic with the advent of swine flu; why not just go ahead and sneeze on other people, while you’re at it? And so I trained myself out of the practice, for the most part.

Fast-forward to this past Shabbos, which I spent as a speaker in Ottawa, enjoying incredible hospitality (Hi, Bram!) and a great shul at Machzikei haDas. I received a truly warm welcome, and despite being away from my family I really felt at home - so much so, apparently, that I fell back into my old practice of shaking and then kissing my hand…

…until one person approached me about this hand-kissing, and presented a new explanation for the practice: The gemara (Berachot 62a) states that because one uses his right hand for eating or for various religious purposes, he should only use his left hand to clean himself in the washroom. So my new friend suggested that the idea of putting one’s hand to one’s mouth after shaking someone’s right hand is to display confidence that the other party is civilized, and would not have used his right hand to clean himself in the washroom.

Wow, was that different.

I mean, trust is good, and displaying trust is good, but still... the hand-kissing practice is kind of yuck, all of a sudden.

So here’s my question: Have you heard of this hand-to-mouth practice? And do you know its origin?

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The story of a tie

This seems like the sort of sap-filled story that would appear in a chain email (“Don’t delete!” “Send this to ten friends!” “Send this along and save a life!” “No, save ten lives!” “No, save ten lives with lots of exclamation points AND CAPITAL LETTERS!!!!!”), but I’m posting it anyway because it’s my story, and I like it, and it’s a nice way to say Thank You to a good person.

The tie pictured above is nothing out of the ordinary; if I remember correctly, it was given to me by a family member who was shopping in a not-too-expensive store and decided to scout for new ties for me. [Ties are my only means of haberdashic self-expression; beyond ties I stick to white shirts and charcoal gray pants, to avoid the nuisance of matching clothes.] It probably ran 15.99, 19.99, or something along those lines.

I wore the tie a few times, but fell out of love with it fairly quickly. It seemed very plain, and the texture was not terribly smooth. It wasn’t out-of-fashion (I think?), but there was nothing interesting about it, either. The bottom got dirty once and I nearly decided to trash the thing rather than pay for it to be cleaned, but I am congenitally incapable of throwing out anything that might, someday, in some way, have some minor use.

And so it was that this poor article of clothing, אבן מאסו הבונים, languished in the back of my closet until one Sunday evening about a year ago when I was about to go to a big program and needed to grab a tie. I was pre-occupied with nervousness about the program, and I reached into the closet without thought. This tie emerged. I gave it a doubtful look, but put it on and dropped it from my mind.

I walked into the program, and saw a friend/congregant who smiled and whose first comment was, “That’s a nice tie!”

The blue and black fabric doesn’t look any different today than it did last year; it is no more in or out of style, its texture is still the same. But when I look at it I remember my friend’s comment, her smile, and the fact that she noticed a tie I barely noticed, let alone liked.

I haven’t seen my friend since I left Allentown, but every time I wear this tie I think of her.

"Memorable" need not mean travelling cross-country to see someone, or buying an expensive gift. It can also mean a kind word, or noticing someone else...