[I wrote my first version of this several years ago, when my 5 year old daughter had to have a colonoscopy to check for stomach problems. Thank Gd, she's fine.]
Bargaining is an automatic reaction to loss, as described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her famous formulation of the stages of grief. Someone takes ill, and at some point he starts to think about what he could do differently, how he could improve, such that he would ‘deserve’ to escape this grief.
For the non-theist the poker chips to be ante'd may include a better diet, dropping smoking, going to the gym, or perhaps creating a stronger positive karma - even after the cards have been dealt.
For the theist, the options include religious improvement: I’ll give more tzedakah, I’ll learn more Torah, I’ll go to minyan.
The semi-conscious theology is that the better I do, the less I’ll ‘deserve’ the loss, and therefore the loss will be reversed.
I have long been troubled by this religious reaction, though. Yes, I say a מי שברך (prayer for the ill) and certainly recite the normal prayers and psalms. No, I can't deny ותשובה ותפלה וצדקה מעבירין את רוע הגזרה, that repentance, prayer and charity can save us from harm. And we do have a concept of נדרים בשעת צרה, vowing to Gd in times of need (see Tosafos Chullin 2b). But even still, I can’t bring myself to say, “I’ll change my life if only You’ll take the bad thing away.”
Part of that reluctance is because this mitzvos-for-prizes approach feels like it cheapens religion; mitzvos demonstrate loyalty, they aren’t bribes. Yes, I know the Gemara (Pesachim 8a) that “One who says ‘I give this coin to tzedakah that my son may live’ is a צדיק גמור, fully righteous.” And I understand why that’s true. But all the same, my heart is with Antigonus of Socho (Avos 1:3); pledging mitzvos for rewards feels wrong.
Another part of my reluctance is that the whole bargain is just so presumptuous. If I learn more Torah, then my relative should live? Rabbi Yochanan lost ten children (Berachos 5b); is my extra learning going to make me more worthy than Rabbi Yochanan? It’s like when people talk about having been saved from a disaster by a G-d-driven coincidence - what about all of those people who weren’t saved, were they not as worthy as you?
So I just keep on doing the regular davening, dedicate a shiur for a refuah shleimah perhaps, and hope for the best.
Monday, August 22, 2011
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Rabbi--
ReplyDeleteI believe that the straw man you have set up (I'll do X if God takes away such and such bad thing) is unnecessary.
When something bad happens to a person, isn't he supposed to think "what should I be learning from this?" and the answer of course depends on the situation, but one thing that seems to be common to, and called for in, all such situations is teshuva. Teshuva shouldn't be conditional, but to hope and pray for God's mercy based on one's teshuva seems appropriate (a la the model of anshei Ninveh).
Isn't this (at least part of) the essence of ta'anit and chatzotzrot, and in a sense even tefila itself?
Hi Shmuel,
ReplyDeleteWhat makes you call it a "straw man"? I hear what you are saying, and I believe in that approach, but I'm not sure why you call the alternative derech a "straw man".
>But even still, I can’t bring myself to say, “I’ll change my life if only You’ll take the bad thing away.”
ReplyDeletePerhaps that is an intuitive way of avoiding making promises under duress. After all, even after our bargaining, how many of us can say we stick to our end of the deal?
>Another part of my reluctance is that the whole bargain is just so presumptuous.
I don't know if that is necessarily the case. We have to recognize on some level (a delicate balance to stay away from narcissism) that we are experiencing these events for a reason that pertains to us on a personal level. Perhaps our salvation is an indication of distinct purpose, and we must search within to find why we were spared. Alternatively, it is also possible that we learned whatever lesson we were meant to, which is why we merited the grace period of survival.
Good post, good food for thought.
BTW Shmuel haKadmon (above) is not me. He and I have to figure something out.
So I just keep on doing the regular davening, dedicate a shiur for a refuah shleimah perhaps, and hope for the best.
ReplyDelete---------------------------------
Of course it never hurts to use it as an "excuse" for each of us to examine if there's something we couldbe doing a little bit better at.
KT
Joel Rich
Shmuel Beis-
ReplyDeleteAgreed on your anti-presumptuous points, but I still am bothered by the implications for others.
Joel-
True