Purim 5770 2010: YI/OU seeking LOR for…

One of the good things about being out of the shul rabbinate is looking at shul “Rabbi Wanted” ads for the fun of it rather than with professional interest.

In my opinion, these advertisements, as posted by the RCA/YU Placement Office, have come a long way in the fifteen or so years since I first started reading them. I remember listings that presented the state in which the shul was located, a rough estimation of shul size, and “salary commensurate with experience.” Today, many advertisements describe the nature of the shul and the broader community, the full array of anticipated rabbinic duties, and specific benefits packages.

On the other hand, if I am correct in comparing the rabbinic search process and dating, then perhaps shul “Rabbi Wanted” ads should look less like job descriptions and more like personal ads.

Here, then, in honor of Purim 2010/5770, are Shul “Rabbi Wanted” Personal Ads:

Necessary Disclaimer: I have loved both communities I have served, and I have loved their search committees as well. This is just Purim material!

* YI/OU shul seeking LOR to build a Jewish home together. Should enjoy short Shabbat morning davening and long strolls at the kiddush, Lag baOmer picnics and nights out of the house [out of his house, that is].

* Last rabbi was a cold gefilte fish who didn’t blend with our fleishig chulent. Looking for “mi casa su casa” type who likes to linger at the Shabbos table - but not at the pulpit.

* Shul newly single after difficult separation ISO kind, sympathetic, patient, nurturing, community-building rabbi who does not seek a long-term commitment.

* Israel, Israel, Israel! The right candidate will promote Zionism, lead missions to Israel, inspire our youth with love of Israel, wear the Israeli flag atop his Kipah Srugah and present Yahrtzeit shiurim for Theodor Herzl. Must commit not to make aliyah.

* Will support serious talmid chacham with strong yichus, intimidating hat and long peyos who can bring us the atmosphere of Lakewood - but only the atmosphere.

* Looking for a rabbi who likes [musaf] drinking and [mixed] dancing and long walks on the beach on summer afternoons. Able to laugh and joke with every member, admires and cites Spinoza and Nietzsche, has a nice smile and warm hug. Must be good-looking and well-dressed, and must command the respect of the right-wing.

* Cerebral shul seeks academically minded, yeshiva-trained, PhD rabbi with a record of publishing scholarly articles, who is articulate, eloquent, entertaining and impressive in his three-minute Shabbat morning derashot.

* Are you a demanding rabbi who urges his community to grow in Chesed and Torah? Do you want to see your shul’s youth excel in learning and your membership make a serious commitment to minyan? Then you are not for us; we are seeking a rabbi who accepts us as we are.

* Geographically challenged shul wishing for a rabbi whose sincere affection and embrace of the community is not dependent on externalities like beauty, wealth and good local yeshivot for his children.

Feel free to add your own in the comments...