Friday, February 26, 2010

Purim 5770 2010: YI/OU seeking LOR for…

One of the good things about being out of the shul rabbinate is looking at shul “Rabbi Wanted” ads for the fun of it rather than with professional interest.

In my opinion, these advertisements, as posted by the RCA/YU Placement Office, have come a long way in the fifteen or so years since I first started reading them. I remember listings that presented the state in which the shul was located, a rough estimation of shul size, and “salary commensurate with experience.” Today, many advertisements describe the nature of the shul and the broader community, the full array of anticipated rabbinic duties, and specific benefits packages.

On the other hand, if I am correct in comparing the rabbinic search process and dating, then perhaps shul “Rabbi Wanted” ads should look less like job descriptions and more like personal ads.

Here, then, in honor of Purim 2010/5770, are Shul “Rabbi Wanted” Personal Ads:

Necessary Disclaimer: I have loved both communities I have served, and I have loved their search committees as well. This is just Purim material!

* YI/OU shul seeking LOR to build a Jewish home together. Should enjoy short Shabbat morning davening and long strolls at the kiddush, Lag baOmer picnics and nights out of the house [out of his house, that is].

* Last rabbi was a cold gefilte fish who didn’t blend with our fleishig chulent. Looking for “mi casa su casa” type who likes to linger at the Shabbos table - but not at the pulpit.

* Shul newly single after difficult separation ISO kind, sympathetic, patient, nurturing, community-building rabbi who does not seek a long-term commitment.

* Israel, Israel, Israel! The right candidate will promote Zionism, lead missions to Israel, inspire our youth with love of Israel, wear the Israeli flag atop his Kipah Srugah and present Yahrtzeit shiurim for Theodor Herzl. Must commit not to make aliyah.

* Will support serious talmid chacham with strong yichus, intimidating hat and long peyos who can bring us the atmosphere of Lakewood - but only the atmosphere.

* Looking for a rabbi who likes [musaf] drinking and [mixed] dancing and long walks on the beach on summer afternoons. Able to laugh and joke with every member, admires and cites Spinoza and Nietzsche, has a nice smile and warm hug. Must be good-looking and well-dressed, and must command the respect of the right-wing.

* Cerebral shul seeks academically minded, yeshiva-trained, PhD rabbi with a record of publishing scholarly articles, who is articulate, eloquent, entertaining and impressive in his three-minute Shabbat morning derashot.

* Are you a demanding rabbi who urges his community to grow in Chesed and Torah? Do you want to see your shul’s youth excel in learning and your membership make a serious commitment to minyan? Then you are not for us; we are seeking a rabbi who accepts us as we are.

* Geographically challenged shul wishing for a rabbi whose sincere affection and embrace of the community is not dependent on externalities like beauty, wealth and good local yeshivot for his children.

Feel free to add your own in the comments...

13 comments:

  1. Very clever, And probably truer then most people would admit to. We once davened in a shul where one qualification for the rabbi being looked for was that he have excellence in public speaking, be super articulate and able to appeal to everyone in his speeches, but that he not open his mouth at any time regarding items that were not "rabbinic"--like attempting to ossur kiddush clubs and doing so in public speech.

    A gutten Shabbos and a freilachen Purim.

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  2. Does it make me a geek to say that every time I see LOR I think "Lord of The Rings." ;)Purim sameach

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  3. Looking for Rabbi like Moshe Rabbeinu without the speech defect



    Looking for a Rabbi, we really can't articulate what we're looking for but we're sure we'll know it when we see it. (yeah, right)

    KT
    Joel Rich

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  4. Jack: yes, yes it does. And I'm right there with you.

    RH - thanks for a great Purim laugh. These are spot on. :)

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  5. Very clever. Thanks for the laugh.

    Must commit not to make aliyah.

    Or: Must not promote Aliyah.

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  6. I'm curious: What would the ads look like placed BY rabbis seeking congregations?

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  7. and let us not forget:

    Unlucky in love, last relationship ended in court. Looking for rabbi who does not like money, drugs, alcohol...

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  8. ProfK-
    Yes, I've seen that kind of situation. People are complex...

    Jack-
    That's all right; rabbis think of themselves that way, too...

    Joel-
    Rabbi = Pornography?

    Tzipporah-
    Thanks!

    Michael-
    Yes, that, too...

    Fruma-
    Now, that would be an interesting topic...

    Anonymous 11:45 PM-
    Thanks for leaving the rest in an ellipsis!

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  9. baruch shekivanta
    kt
    joel rich

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  10. lol i'm with Jack on this one... happy Purim!

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  11. * Israel, Israel, Israel! The right candidate will promote Zionism, lead missions to Israel, inspire our youth with love of Israel, wear the Israeli flag atop his Kipah Srugah and present Yahrtzeit shiurim for Theodor Herzl. Must commit not to make aliyah.

    With an addendum:

    Employment to be terminated if shul members (or their children) actually make aliya as a result of the Rabbi.

    ;-)

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  12. This is great. Too bad I didn't see it before Purim. It would have complemented the "Purim haggadah" that I read from.

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