My tefillin were taken

I am beyond despondent.

I never leave my tefillin in shul, unless they are in a locked locker, but I did it on Monday because I knew that I would be in a rush on Tuesday morning. Then, Tuesday morning - today - they weren't there. I searched, others searched. The shul put out an email. I offered a reward on Kijiji and Craigslist.

I jump ever time an email shows up in my inbox, but there is no news.

It's not just the tefillin. Really, to be honest, it's not the tefillin at all - it's the tefillin bag, which my grandmother a"h made for me - you can read about it, and see a picture, in my post here.

Everyone leaves their tefillin in that shul (Clanton Park Synagogue). I saw someone else's tefillin on the same shelf this morning, while looking for my own.

Of course, people said, it could be that someone took yours by accident. And that could be - but it's very unlikely, given that my bag is very distinctive, and that my bag has my contact information in it and I've heard nothing.

Searching the Internet turns up stories about tefillin ending up in pawn shops. Should I scout out Toronto's pawn shops? I've thought about it.

I had to give a shiur today, which I did. I skipped a chuppah, but did go to a shul dinner (different shul) for a time, but had no taste for it.

I'm supposed to be working on a few shiurim and speeches tonight, and a new shiur theatre, but I have no taste for that either. I answered a few old emails.

I'm not used to being at such loose ends, but tonight I'm feeling a lot of guilt for leaving the tefillin there, and mourning for losing this connection with my grandmother.

You know how people say, "If I could just take back X"? That's me right now.

For a while today I was sure this was just a dream, and I was going to wake up, but no luck.

Just despondence.