Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Purim Post: Chaiku

My first stab at a Purim post was to play off of Artscroll's new Talmud App 1.0 with a suggestion for 2.0 - a chavrusa named Sira, playing off of Apple's Siri. But I don't have the time to write clever dialogue.

Instead, I'm resurrecting an old file of Purim Chaiku. This came from Rabbi Eli D. Clark several years ago, under the heading "Jewish-Japanese Poetry for All Occasions", although I might have added in one or two of my own. Unfortunately, I can't find Rabbi Clark's's work on-line anywhere, so I'm posting it as is. Assume that anything funny is from Rabbi Clark; that's a safe bet; you can see Chaiku's I know are mine here, in my Selichos Haiku Rant.

The moon shines bright in
the sky.  Darn! I guess that means
that I’ve missed mincha

Grasp toothpick with two
fingers. Pick teeth right to left
In an ArtScroll world

Hurry to shul in
time for the Rabbi’s speech. Now
I can take a nap

An olive is a fruit
the size of a quarter.  How much
matza must I eat?

The sheitel, makeup,
jewelry, high heels. Ready
to go to Safeway

Wine drops fall like rain.
Would you stop pushing my arm
I’m making kiddush

Shidduch date follies
Got lost finding the airport
Ever read Steinbeck?

Super Bowl, tie score
and only three minutes left
Time for Tehillim

Reading the Chumash
Not for kids!  Can someone tell
me who approved this?

May you grow like rice
Tall, slender, smooth and straight, and
just a little wild

Bring Moshiach now
Wear a red bendel and stop
eating broccoli

Bar mitzvah boy’s speech
High voice, stands on a milk crate
Today you’re still a boy

Listen! Beethoven’s
Ode to Joy.  Who brought his cell
phone into shul?

Hotel for Pesach
Slavery sounds really sad
Please pass the prime rib

Someone knocks.  Collecting
tzedaka for the needy
investment bankers

Should we buy the couch?
The Rabbi is out.  Let’s check
the Mishna Brura

Wafting through the air,
that kishka smell makes me dream
of Pepto Bismol

A perfect match – good
conversationalist and
her dad owns Kansas

Erev Yom Kippur
Time for introspection and
eating like a yak

New Internet site
Live chat with Obama’s friend’s
son’s bar mitzva coach

Looking for cookies
with kosher ingredients. What
the heck is “dextrose”?

Brand new book: The best
of the Jewish Press transla-
ted into English

The kiddush was nice
Too bad I trampled two kids
getting some cholent

Move to Israel
my child? I’ll come too, but not
with luggage, feet first

Leaves of willow fall
to the ground.  Now my lulav
isn’t kosher.

Food stamps, Medicaid,
rent subsidies, Kollel grants
Gd bless America

Sitting together
Belz, Ger, Satmar, Lubavitch
Moshiach has come

Shas is too long. Can
I make a siyyum on
“The Bamboo Cradle”?


  1. First off, Sira would have to be a male voice.
    Secondly, Sira sounds too much like Ben Sira, which ArtScroll wouldn't give importance to.

  2. Shasdaf-
    Both of those were precisely what I had in mind, actually, complete with jokes about Siri and Ben Sira variations. But most of the easy jokes weren't the kind I like to make, and I didn't have time to write better ones.