Monday, September 1, 2008

Elul Panic Attack

I am so not ready to answer for my mistakes.
I am so not ready to give ten zillion speeches in a month.

I am so not ready to end my arrogance.
I am so not ready to convince others to end theirs.

I am so not ready to admit all of my ulterior motives.
I rely on those ulterior motives to drive much that I do.

I spent far too much time on shul and community this year, when I should have spent it on family.
I did not spend enough time this year taking care of the indigent and the emotionally needy.

I am afraid to sit down and write my cheshbon hanefesh.
I have no time for a cheshbon hanefesh, even had I the guts.

I long to spend more time with my children, both because I want to and because I should, because they need a father who will be there with them and because they need an Abba who will teach them.
I jitter in my chair, my knee jumping, as I try to assemble ideas into paragraphs to say something new, to inspire, to direct, to convey the awe of judgment without haranguing my shul into boredom.

I often think that my saving grace as a human being is my sincerity, the fact that I lay it all out there with as much honesty as I can find inside. The challenge of parenting is to find a way to take all of that authenticity and express it in a way that will help my children find their own.
I often think that my saving grace as a rabbi is my sincerity, the fact that I lay it all out there with as much honesty as I can find inside. The challenge of speechwriting is to find a way to take all of that authenticity and express it in a way that will challenge and not tear down, build and not destroy.

Some people tell me I am a great father, seeing my beautiful - thank Gd - children and the way they behave so nicely in public, sitting by my side in shul and doing well in school. But in this they rob my wife of the credit which is entirely hers, and inappropriately credit me for the work of another.
Some people call me their favorite rabbi (I kid you not) and other inappropriately laudatory names, measuring with the naked eye, all too willing to judge on the side of merit and go by what they see. I know they only mean to judge what they see and nothing more, but it is still frustrating to know they miss the שלא לשמה self-aggrandizement, the insecurity, the many inappropriate motivations which make Mordechai run.


I do believe I am a better person, and a better rabbi, than I was one year ago. Some would call this a significant accomplishment, and I do not belittle it. But I can do more - not to quote Barack Obama, but I am better than this.

I need to feel that drive to do more. Elul ceases to be frightening for me when I get past the regret and move into moving on, when I stop feeling sorry for my challenges and commit myself to specific action. It will come. Hopefully soon.

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10 comments:

  1. "I am so not ready to give ten zillion speeches in a month."

    no comment

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  2. One of you Midwestern fans loves your blog.

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  3. Lion-
    I hope to post about rabbinic speeches tomorrow; we'll see.

    Anonymous-
    Thanks; I hope all is well and the light of Torah continues to shine in the Midwest.

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  4. The training is nothing! The will is everything!

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  5. But in this they rob my wife of the credit which is entirely hers, and inappropriately credit me for the work of another

    Well, that explain the excellent name of your blog!

    :-)

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  6. Jack-
    No "the" as I recall.
    The other day I realized that another reason I didn't like film #2 was that it didn't reference film #1 in key ways, in terms of why he did all this in the first place. No reference to his fears, his history, etc. I think I understand why, but that felt fake.

    Jameel-
    Actually, you know where the name came from... credit where credit is due, my friend.

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  7. Maybe I'm retarded, but I had trouble with your graphics.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Batya-
    No, I was just trying to convey the mixed nature of the two halves, by putting them very close together. I have now added a small space between the columns, in deference to the reader.

    ("retarded"? I didn't think anyone used that word anymore...)

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  9. I heard Reb Moshe's achilles heel was givah. It makes me feel better and worse at the same time.

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  10. Therapydoc-
    Somehow, I suspect that the level he considered a weakness would, for others, have been considered a strength... and I say that unhagiographically.

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